Another
Zombie Story
It
was a typical cliche beginning to his horror story. Jim had
been rollerblading with Tina when he had tripped on a rock and hit
his head. He was not sure how long he had been out, but he woke
up in an empty hospital. He opened his eyes and looked around
the room, his vision blurry. He reached around on the bed-side
table and found his glasses and put them on. Now he could see.
The room was empty. Sunlight poured in through the
window, but he heard nothing. No voices, no birds chirping, no
sounds of cars. It was all quiet. He slowly climbed out
of his bed, his muscles stiff and sore from not being used for who
knew how long. There was a vase of dead flowers on his bed-side
table. Classic. It was a tell-tale sign that he had been
out for a while, because no one had been in to replace them or even
water them. The vase was dry. His mouth was dry, he
needed water, or something to drink.
He
left the room and wandered the empty halls. The lack of
presence of people worried him. But what worried him even more
were the messaged graffiti on the walls, obviously left by people who
happened to have spray paint on them during the evacuation, and
decided to take time to write all over the hallways. The
messages said things like "Hell has been unleashed!" and
"The dead walk!" or "No hope left."
The one that frequented the walls the most was "George
Bush Sucks," though those were probably done before whatever had
happened. Jim guessed that the walking dead that the messages
referred to meant that society had finally collapsed and been overrun
by robots. It was the most obvious explanation. After
all, he was now seeing blood splattered all over the floor. The
robots had clearly massacred the humans. How he had been
over-looked, he didn't know. But he knew now what he must do.
It was up to him to destroy the robots, find some brawd and
reestablish the population. It was not going to be easy, but he
was up to the task.
He
made his way to the waiting room and found a soda machine that had
been busted open, most likely by the robots thinking it was some sort
of mechanical machine...which it was...but that didn't matter, it had
drink. Jim grabbed a can and barbarically opened it and began
gulping down the fizzy, sugary beverage. He then grabbed a
grocery bag with a smiley face on it from the floor and filled it
with cans of soda. He found some nurse scrubs and changed from
his hospital gown into those. As he made his way
towards the exit he saw a door at the end of the hall. It had
been chained shut and someone had spray-painted the word "Poop"
across the front. But what really caught his attention was the
fact that the door was moving back and forth, as if something...or
someone was pushing on it from the other side.
"Hey!"
he shouted running down the hall. "Don't worry I'll
get you out of there!" He grabbed a crowbar from the
ground (because those are everywhere in the apocalypse) and used
it to pry the chains off the door. "There, now you're
free, come on out!"
The
door was slowly pushed open and out walked Sylvester Stallone,
but not the normal one. No, this Stallone had been turned into
(GASP!) a zombie. Jim's first reaction was scream like a girl,
fling the crowbar at the undead movie star who had once been his
hero, and then run away. His second reaction was to continue
running, and he kept on screaming for good measure. Stallone
was followed by a large group of zombies, only a handful of which
were previously famous stars, including Shia LaBeouf, Donald Trump,
and Shirley Temple (WTH?). Jim made it to the exit and rushed
out side. He ran and hid under a car. The mob of zombies
rushed out of the hospital after him, but not seeing him
decided to just stand around aimlessly staring at nothing. Jim's
fear turned to pity. Those poor creatures...turned to zombies
by the robots, left to do totally nothing, or to eat other living
human beings.
I
wish I could help them. He said to himself. Maybe
if I figure out how the robots turned them into zombies then I
can reverse the effect.
Jim quietly and carefully crawled our from under the car and sneaked away from the hospital. He made his way into the suburbs where he passed a church. Since it was the robot apocalypse and the world was ending, he figured he should go in and maybe pray or something. People usually seemed to ask God for help if they were in trouble. But only when they were in trouble, if things were going alright then they didn't need God. But Jim thought this constituted as a good time to need God. He opened the doors and walked inside. He had never been in a church before, so he decided to just climb to the top of the bell tower, figuring God would hear him better if he was up higher.
As
he was climbing he remembered Tina. He wondered what had
happened to her. Tina, the love of his life. Oh well,
crap happens.
He
got to the top of the tower and looked out over the neighborhood. It
was then that he realized he had been mistaken. Robots could
not possibly be involved because robots ran on power and there was NO
power. DUN DUN DUN. He also began spotting more and more
zombies wandering around throughout the suburbs. He had been
utterly mistaken. It was not a robot apocalypse, it was a
zombie apocalypse.
"This
just got real." he said aloud to himself.
He
knelt down to pray but he heard a noise from below. Something...or
someone, was climbing the tower steps. He grabbed his bag of
soda and crouched next to the door. The door flew open and Jim
swung his bag of soda cans.
"DOH!"
said the woman falling down.
"Oh
gosh, I'm so sorry, I thought you were a zombie!" The
woman's nose was bleeding badly and she glared at him.
"You
jerk, what the heck is wrong with you?"
"Well
hey, I'm really sorry!"
"Yeah?
Well I'm sorry too!" she said pulling a gun from behind
her.
"Where
in the heck did you pull that from," asked Jim staring down the
barrel.
"Who
the heck are you, and how did you find my hideout up here?"
asked the woman.
"My
name is Jim, and this is Wilson," he said waving the grocery bag
with the smiley face on it.
"Cute...I'm
Tara," said the woman.
"You're
also hot, we should repopulate the earth."
"What
the heck is wrong with you? Don't you realize how serious this
situation is?"
"Yes,
it's seriously hot. Don't tell me you've never thought about
making love in a zombie apocalypse before?"
"Oh
my gosh...of course, of all the survivors I find I would have to find
some idiot of a guy. Why couldn't I find the perfect companion
like in the movies?"
"Babe,
we are perfect companions..." He winked at her and she
rolled her eyes.
"Goodbye
dick," she said walking away.
"My
name isn't Dick, it's Jim!" he said running after her.
"Would
you just leave me alone?"
"But
what about the sex?"
"I'M
NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU!" she yelled in his face.
"You're
even hotter when you're angry you know." He said. She
spit in his face and stormed off.
"Wait,
come back!"
"Leave
off," she said.
"Please!"
"Shush,"
she said stopping suddenly.
"What
is it?"
"I
said shut up...there's zombies coming, they must have heard you
yammering up there. Good job idiot." She began
walking away.
"Wait
we should stick together right? Power in numbers right?"
She ignored him and kept walking.
He
stood there staring after her. He could hear the infected
coming. But he didn't run. He didn't hide. He let
the zombies eat him. Why? Because Jim was an idiot.
Moral
of the story. Don't be an idiot.
